Lex Thinks You’re Boring

Some people think Emma Watson is an accomplished young actress who’s future is brighter than the brightest star in all of the constellations, universes, and galaxies that have existed, do exist, and will exist at some point in the future.

Some people think Emma Watson is a fanboys’ dream, a gorgeous young temptress who plays Hermione Granger in the Harry Potter franchise.

Some people think Emma Waston should be celebrated for shunning the temptations of further celebrity and riches and continuing her journey down Higher Education Avenue.

I think she’s boring.

Claim to Fame: Her pilled-out parents find a group of people standing in a line. Thinking this line was for free percocets, the wacky Brits wait hours and hours with little Emma. They get to the front of the line and whaddya know? It’s not a free pill line. What a country. Emma sneaks her way into the audition room. And the rest is history. Mostly true story.

Why I think she’s boring:

Her haircut: Newsflash! Keira Knightley already F’d up her career with a dumb haircut. Hey Emma, if you’re so smart, take out your notebook and write this down. You look like a little boy and it’s creepy because everyone knows you’re still hot. You’re confusing a lot of people and when people get confused they turn to drugs and/or Texas Toast. According to Rehab.com, Emma Watson is the #1 cause of drug use in Sweden, Heaven, Cleveland, and Uranus (LOLz).

THAT’S F****** CREEPY!!!!!

She goes to Brown.

Brown University.

In Providence.

Have you been to Providence? It’s more boring than Emma Watson. The best thing about Providence is that it’s in Rhode Island and Rhode Island is small.

A brief history of Providence:

May 29, 1790: Admission to the Union.

Sometime in the late 1970’s or early 1980’s – Pauly D was born.

February 5, 1996 Coldest Temperature Recorded: -26 degrees

Thats about it.

I can’t believe I wasted so much time on someone as boring as Emma Watson. Someone wake me up when she shows up on Celebrity Wife Swap.

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Some People Think this is the CraigsList Ad of the Century

Let’s argue with eachother until we’re both too mad to speak for days – 25 (Raynham)

Potentially sociopathic 25-year-old swm with commitment issues and firearms obsession seeks lithe redhead of similar age for disappointing sexual misadventures; tandem binge drinking.

A lazy, emotionally unavailable former network engineer, I now make more money than most to do almost nothing all day. I enjoy video games, movies, the discovery channel, and carrying a loaded handgun into places that wouldn’t expect it. I wear sunglasses a lot, I swear so often you’d think I was mentally handicapped, and I shit more than you will ever possibly understand. I spend money in a way that suggests I know that the world is ending, and yet despite that I constantly bitch about not having a real hobby. I like to sleep alone and I won’t ever stay over your house, and after about six months I’ll get bored and see how much of your personality I can manipulate before our relationship ends in a complete social meltdown. At that point, you’ll probably try to kill me, or at the very least, show up at my apartment in the middle of the night to scream obscenities at me and try and spit in my face. Before long, you’ll realize that I’m in love with my best friend, and our arguments about that will do little more than further justify my inevitable woodland hammerdeath.

My star sign is Sagittarius and I also enjoy dogs and stargazing. I can’t cook. Call me.

  • Location: Raynham
  • it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

image 2087908544-0

PostingID: 2087908544

http://boston.craigslist.org/sob/m4w/2087908544.html

Some People Think This Will Change the Way We Eat Ice Cream

It is my great pleasure to introduce you all to the next evolution of alcoholic beverages, Canisters of Cream – a 30-proof whipped cream that comes in a variety of flavors, including chocolate, raspberry, orange and cherry. According to the Boston Herald, these canisters of alcohol-infused whipped cream, are now arriving on liquor-store shelves across [Massachusetts].

What does this all mean for our near-future party endeavors? I have no idea, but here are my knee jerk reactions:

1. Getting hammered while eating ice cream is going to be sweet. Put this shit on top of a chocolate sunday and your ready to party. But this definitely has to come in moderation. Trust me, this has to come in moderation.

2. ummmmmm yeaaaa

Also see: Katy Perry's California Girls music video

3. Is there anyway we can infuse alcohol with salsa? MUY PICANTE!

4. Are all those flavors really necessary? Regular whipped cream tastes pretty damn good to me.

5. Is this ethically wrong? Is this going to push kids to drink? Does this cross the line? Nahhhh its straight.

6. Reddi-Wip is for pussies.

7. Damn I wish I was still in college. One can only imagine what it would be like to be a college freshman with Four Loko and Canisters of Cream. Then again, that sounds like a death wish for 90% of the freshman kids I knew.

8. What is this alcohol-infuse business? Can we infuse alcohol into anything?

9. What happens if you snort this stuff? Please somebody, give it a try and let me know how it goes.

10. John Daly is moving to Massachusetts tomorrow. Why? Cause he’s the fucking man, thats why.

11. How do Amish people feel about this? Do they read blogs? Is there an Amish guy on twitter? Is it ok to follow him? Or do I have to first grow a beard and then beat my wife?

12. I can’t wait until I try this stuff.

SomePeopleThink this is a Good Deal and an Amazing Advertisement

SomePeopleThink There are 4 Types of Black Friday Shoppers

So today is the infamous Black Friday, or as I call it, don’t go anywhere near a Retail store unless you’re prepared for war Friday. We all have an idea of what happens: crazy people fight for parking spots, argue over stupid toys and ram their shopping carts into each other to decide who is the ultimate Survivor, except Jeff Probst isn’t here to monitor it. Over the years, I have come to realize there are 4 types of Black Friday shoppers:

  1. Soccer Moms– The most violent and most common Black Friday shopper. The soccer mom will stop at nothing to get that last Hannah Montana toy for her daughter. Do not get in her way or you will be shoved, bitched out and flipped off. She is also a force in the parking lot. She will never walk more than 2 minutes to enter the store so therefore will use the follow and attack technique to people leaving the store. As you stroll back to your car after a successful shopping trip, there she is creeping up behind you to see where your car is parked. These women are dangerous.
  2. The Tag-Along Dad– This man was dragged along by the soccer mom and is not happy to be here.  This man is very irritable and overtired. Of all the places to be in the world, this is the last place he wants to be. A day off in late November to sit, relax and watch the Auburn-Alabama football game has become a disaster for him as he is dragged to Wal-Mart to fend off other dangerous soccer moms. Do not be fooled though, if you are in his way, he will threaten you and use smart old-man techniques (men have bigger brains than women, proven fact) so beware.
  3. Selfish Deal Seekers– These are the people that go to buy stuff for themselves since the prices are lower. Everyone knows the local Target will only have 3 of the $200 HD tv’s but that’s not stopping this guy. He will do anything to save a few bucks and treat himself. Black Friday is supposed to give you the best chance to save money on gifts for others, but he wants to eat the cake too. Some people think this type of shopper is usually Jewish. No offense, its just what some people think.
  4. The Story Tellers– These are usually teenagers who aren’t even really there to shop but just to tell their friends they woke up at 5am to hit up Target. Let me get this straight, I’m not impressed. You should be embarrassed. You’re a teenager, drink beer, do drugs, have sex. Don’t wake up for Black Friday.

Some People Think This is Some Good Music – The Top 5 Songs I’ve Been Bumping to This Week

Wiz Khalifa – Know Your Name

Kanye West – Gorgeous (Ft Kid Cudi & Raekwon)

Nicki Minaj – Moment 4 Life

J.Cole – Before I’m Gone

Wiz Khalifa – Stoned

Some People Think That Sometimes it Best to Just Get it Off Your Chest

Kanye’s moment of redemption.

Some People Think Thanksgiving Hinges on Where You Sit

Refer to this diagram. I recognize this setup varies depending on your household – but remain confident you can take some tidbits of info to maximize your turkey feasting experience.

1)   If you are the head of the table, the host, the head honcho, the master of the domain, well then frankly none of this really applies to you. You are the king and therefore should be treated like royalty. Sit back, and enjoy your feast.

2)   Which leaves seats 2-10 still up for grabs. Some peoples immediate knee jerk reaction would say go for wherever is closest to the turkey. ‘Optimal position for seconds and quick access to all the best cuts of meat’.  Common misconception. This is because everyone else recognizes this as well. You will get intermittent bites of food between passing the dishes up and down the table. You become a glorified conveyor belt and dinner becomes more of a chore than the feast of the year.  And God forbid you don’t give Uncle Walter enough sweet potatoes. All hell could break loose. Avoid seats 3,4,8 & 9 at all costs.

3)   6 is off limits. I mean in the off chance you get assigned to this seat in the case that the heads wife isn’t sitting there nor Grandpa Jones – this spot becomes a runner. Forgot the cranberry sauce? Go get it. Gravy is stuck at the complete other end – forget about it. This table also gives you the appearance of being involved in the days production – you don’t want that lingering over you if the meal bombs.

4)   2,5,7 & 10 remain. Avoid sitting anywhere near the closest doorway to the kitchen. If the designated runner isn’t the person sitting opposite the head – it’s you. You’re the go to kitchen bitch. Nothing ruins a meal like having to get up and down after the first course. Seat 7 – no thanks.

5)   Admittedly this isn’t applicable in all houses – but TV viewership gives you a lot of flexibility. Boring convo – watch football.  Political debate – watch football. Grandma accidentally insults your sister’s interracial boyfriend – watch football. It allows you to zone out, enjoy the game, change conversation quickly and still manage your fantasy team. That would eliminate seat 5.

6)   So this leaves a showdown between seat 2 and 10. While either would be fine – you will notice a drink stand next to one of the seats. This becomes a matter of preference. You may get stuck serving drinks all night – however if you happen to be in college where you know damn well you could out drink anyone at the table but still feel like you are being frowned upon for it – this is a brilliant way to sneak yourself top shelf booze without question. Or maybe your just a closet alcoholic like me – lets avoid giving your family more gossip.

7)   So assuming you’re above the legal age, serving drinks is a chore (especially to pretentious cousin Paul who demands super high brow drinks only so he can criticize the fact that you put ¾ of vermout opposed to 1/2) –  this makes 10 the best seat in the house. Minimal responsibility. TV viewership. Access to everything immediately after the king gets served. This is optimal. Sure, Thanksgiving is about being with family, but really, it’s the meal of the year. Some people think you should enjoy it.

SomePeopleThink Turkeys Can’t Dress like Hammer

I’m not a big turkey guy. I prefer chicken and hamburgers and anything else from Wendy’s but in this case turkey is too legit to quit. Happy Thanksgiving

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Some People Think LeBron James Will be Warmly Welcomed in his Return to Cleveland

Not these people.

Memo to Lebron: Traitors don’t leave legacies.We all witnessed the quitness.
Although, you’ve never really made it until South Park spoofs you. So Congrats KING James. You’ve made it.

 

 

 

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