SomePeopleThink This is The Birth Of A Salesman

SomePeopleThink I was fired. Somepeoplethink I quit. Somepeoplethink I was abducted and raped by a traveling Lil’ Wayne Cover Band. My lawyers say I can’t officially make any statements at this time.  But I would like to apologize to my thousands, millions of dedicated followerswho have been anxiously awaiting my return. I have been a wandering nomad for the past two months, living scarcely better than a homeless man. But I am back, and now in the safe and gracious hospitality of RMcbeezy….

The reason for my absence is because of my move across country and the beginning of a new job. The job is a sales position with a startup company called SinglePlatform. I am responsible for the entire sales cycle, and have spent this entire weak trudging through the extreme heat essentially going restaurant to restaurant to pitch my amazing product. In a mere 5 days, I feel like I have learned a great deal of sales pointers that I think would benefit any sales person, and I can 100% assure you that these are tips you won’t find in any other of the 1,000 sales guru’s books…

1)   Glasses – Dark rimmed glasses. They simultaneously make me look nerdy, trustworthy and smart. I could be selling rat poison disguised as breath mints and I would still clean up. I would get only two questions – “Did you invent this?” (because I look so smart) and ‘Oh great, now I will take your whole lot. Will the death of my customers be slow and painful or dashingly quick? It’s not a deal breaker, but I am just curious…” (because I look so trustworthy). Fuck suits. Buy glasses.

2)   Play Dead – Or dying for that matter. Honestly, walking in cool and collected never got me anywhere. Walking in like I was seconds away from passing out from severe heatstroke assures me a cool glass on water, and some genuine facetime with the front house staff, if not a manager whose overly concerned about his insurance rate after patron dies on his property. Them boom, hit them with the pity pitch.

3)   Trendy – Say the wordy trendy as much as possible, and allude to trendy things. It’s flawless. Most everyone has a different definition of it, but every single person wants to be a trendsetter in one way or another. It goes something like this, “Hi my name is Trent (plant the seed), and I work for the modish (highbrow word) W hotels as their consultant (trendy job) to locate the top 20 (exclusive) trendiest spots in the trendy XYZ area …. Done. Sold. Game over. I now am one of the popular kids in highschool and I won’t make eye contact with you when we pass in the halls (don’t actually do that because its just rude) but they are hooked.

4)   iPad – iPads are to adults what sets of keys are to babies. People touch it on instinct, and once contact is made, they enter a methodical daze of brainless interaction. I just face the iPad in front of them as soon as possible. Before they can even yell at me to get the hell out of my restaurant because assume I am some Groupon groupie, hassling them for a deal I just plant a shiny screen in front of their face. It buys me a solid 10 minutes every time. Which is enough time to roofie them with my dazzling pitch. They have bought my ish before they even realize it, except they next day they don’t wake up feeling awful. Wow, I’m creepy.

That’s all I was able to garner in my first few days. Also, that being drenched in pure sweat isn’t as much of a turn off as you’d think, but don’t bank on that one. I will keep them coming in the future as i get more experienced, but this is a solid start. SomePeopleThink  I’ll have a book coming soon, via iPad only obviously.

Advertisements

SomePeopleThink I’m The World’s Worst Blogger

Don't worry Max, I'm sure Piff will blog again soon

Yep, that about says it. I’m like a neglectful father, I start realizing I haven’t been around in a while and that causes me to stay away even more. It’s awful, I know. I’m an absentee blogger, and I’m sorry for that. And I don’t promise I’ll get any better either. I’ll just end up breaking your heart again like Max in Liar Liar. So enjoy me while I’m here, faithful SPT readers.

At any rate I realized recently that somehow I went from listening to almost exclusively hip hop, to mostly electronic music. I don’t know how it started, but having Sirius radio in my new car definitely perpetuated it (especially BPM, get on BPM if you have Sirius). Its bad news for my downstairs neighbors, but good news for anyone who wants some more techno. Below are my most recent and most played songs of the last few weeks. As always I’ve mixed a few old in there as well to keep the balance. Hope you enjoy:

 

Pressure (Alesso Remix) – Nadia Ali, Starkillers & Alex Kenji

Feel It – Ferry Corsten

Call My Name (Spencer Hill Remix) – Sultan Ned & Shepard feat. Nadia Ali

Feel So Close – Calvin Harris

Penguin + ID – Avicci

Forever Is Over (Vibekidz Remix) – Basslovers United 

Starry Eyed (Russ Chimes Radio Edit) – Ellie Goulding

Happy Summer

-Piff

%d bloggers like this: