SomePeopleThink Reed Hastings Can’t Do Anything Right

SomePeopleThink its poor form to shit on the guy whose already down. I’d like to think I am better than that… but I’m not. I will keep this rant against Netflix CEO Reed Hastings short though, and avoid my angry ranting tendency…. Sort of.

Netflix used to be awesome. Although I still currently am a subscribed customer (for now) I literally feel like Netflix has become a bag of punch lines I make during small talk with strangers.

I reiterate, Netflix used to be awesome.

Then everything went terribly wrong. It’s like Netflix Execs sat around a table and decided to see how many things they could do to piss customers off while raising it’s stock price. Here’s what I mean…

Winter 2010: During my rampant LOST addiction and series marathon, the quality of my instant stream is the equivalent of free Internet porn. The remedy? A slew of emails asking ‘How was the quality of you viewing experience?’ Which really means, we know your quality sucks, and we aren’t going to do much about it, but this email shows we kind of care, but again, we definitely aren’t going to do much of anything to fix it (this will become a theme)

The last 2 years: Netflix boasts hundreds of instantly available movies via streaming, 97% of which are totally unwatchable, 2% are watchable with the aid of several grams of weed, with the remaining 1% containing something I am mildly interested in seeing, but most likely have already seen. Case and point: my fiancé and I once used to bicker about which movie to watch. Now we argue about whether or not the one any movie is worth 2 hour of time and then ultimately decide 2 consecutive hours of House Hunters International laden with commercials is still an upgrade.

July 2011: Reed Hastings sends a terse  email announcing it is jacking up prices with little explanation. Bastard.

August 2011: Netflix stock prices plunges

September 19th, 2011: Reed Hastings realizes that people hate him because of the price upgrade. So he sends a mopey email, which I have taken the liberty to paraphrase below:

Dear Customer,

Look I am super sorry I raised prices. I feel pretty bad bad, but charging more makes a lot of sense. Here’s why: because we have researched and found that our DVD via mail business and instant stream business are two VERY DIFFERENT business… even though I will provide no validation of explanation of this statement. To make this more apparent though, I will now actually just create two totally separate business’ that you now have to manage in two separate places – because separating something that was once convenient from one place into two totally different places  will make this way less confusing and cumbersome for you. I will even give this new company where you can manage DVD’s a brand new super vague name (Qwikster) that could be the name of literally any business in the world – from a 711 knockoff to a Cash-for-Checks establishment. DON’T WORRY THOUGH – the envelopes will still be RED because I figured changing the color would devastate you guys more than anything else. Again, don’t worry, the envelopes ARE STILL RED! Again, I realize I’ve probably pissed you all off and I feel really bad, but I am only like 70% sure of what I did wrong, and since I can’t identify the problem, I can’t possibly fix it – but I am making an effort…  look I even wrote this personal email to you.  Oh also, great super sweet news, we now offer VIDEOGAMES! Isn’t that awesome all of you prepubescent 13 year olds?!? So many videogames! Now you never have to make friends! Oh also, about the price raising thing,… its still not cheaper, but now you have two separate things on your bill which is probably easier for you.  That’s about all. Thanks!

Your pal,

REED HASTINGS (this guys name is also something that pisses me off but I realize that is probably unfair)

September 19th, 2011 a little later: Reed realizes that he forgeot to check if the Twitter handle for Qwikster was already taken. It is….by a weed smoking degenerate. See for yourself:

quik2quik3

quik4

This is the only appropriate response I can think off

At least a new company name can’t possibly be a downgrade from Qwikster…

SomePeopleThink  Netflix officially sucks now. I have attached this cartoon I stole from the oatmeal.com in case you are still vague on exactly what happened. The bottom line is that Netflix is like 2 years away from becoming a Harvard case study on how to ruin a great business model with the worst customer service in the world. SomePeopleThink Reed Hastings needs to get this fixed fast before I just DVR my way out of Netflix forever.

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About Michael Loiacono
follow me on twitter @thegreatmikesby

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