SomePeopleThink There is a Right Way to Watch the Super Bowl

I don’t know if you know me, but I can get pretty hectic when watching the Patriots. I like watching the games a certain way and with that said, recently I learned that I would be having quite a bit of company at my apartment for the game. I figured the best way to ensure harmonious viewing is to create what I’ve call: The Super Bowl Booklet of Rules, Tips and FAQs for Proper Viewing Procedure to Ensure Harmonious Enjoyment of the Game. This booklet outlines how you should act when watching the Super Bowl in general; letting you know things you should or shouldn’t do during game-time.  If you print this booklet out on the day of the Super Bowl and leave it next to nachos, and I guarantee harmony and unity between all of you guests.

Go Pats,

-Piff

 

(Also: if you have an extra ticket to Coachella, tweet at me, I know its a long shot)

Some People Think They are Fantasy Geniuses – Lessons Learned from a Failed Fantasy Football Season

Ever since football started in September, most of my Sundays have been extremely agonizing experiences. They have been a far cry from Sunday fun-day because of a terrible individual fantasy football season, which is tough for a FF nerd like me to handle. It got ugly on many different occasions. This is generally what you would hear from me while I was glued to my couch, in front of two TVs watching football, and following my fantasy team on ESPN Fantasycast:

  • “Dang, Frank Gore just ran for a 12 yard scamper, that’s a point….and yup Jamaal Charles just fumbled it.”
  • “All of the first quarters are over and I do not have a single point. This is not good.”
  • “Are you kidding me? Mercedes Lewis got his 2nd td of the day? My receivers combine for 2 tds all year, and they both come from Mark Clayton!”
  • “I’m never eating chicken pad thai ever again”
  • “Brandon F***king Lloyd. You bastard.”
  • “Damn you Ray Rice, Damn you. Your lucky you look so cute when you run”
  • “Noooooooooooooo! Whyyyyyyyy???”
  • “Thomas Jones just ran 60 yards? What a jerk. I remember trading for him in Madden 2000. He sucked.”
  • “F**K**G C***K S***K**S”
  • “No bro, you should def start (insert week failure) instead of that bum (insert week hero). I mean I’m the greatest fantasy football mind of all time, I drafted Arian Foster in the third round!”
  • “My players just don’t score touchdowns. Period. They hate scoring touchdowns. I hate them. “

Yep, that gives you a pretty good idea of what I yelled from 1pm-7pm every Sunday of this season so far. It was not very pleasant to be around me. In fact, i am quite sure it was awful because my roommates have told me it has been painful to watch me. I just can’t help myself from stressing out though. I take fantasy football very seriously. It’s personal to me. It is my 10,000 hours. Holla at Malcom Gladwell. I vow to someday be a genius. But I know to accomplish this awesome level of nerdiness, I have to always be learning the extreme details of fantasy football, especially in the face of failure. I am a strong believer in the idea that to succeed in any facet of life, you must first fail and learn from your failures. Well, I have a lot of learning to do…in general.

Here are my lessons learned from a failed fantasy football season:

When drafting/acquiring a WR, make sure the receiver has a proven, competent QB throwing to him. My team this year might have the worst fantasy receiving statistics of all time. My two main talented receivers that I called upon this year were Michael Crabtree and Brandon Marshall. Needless to say, both have had awful years. After week 11, Marshall and Crabtree are the 30th and 38th best WR’s in fantasy football, respectively. Why? Well its not because they are not talented receivers, it’s because they both played with a stupid ass quarterback who sucked. Exhibit A – Chad Henne – was soo bad that he was benched for Chad Pennington. I am pretty sure that Pennington can’t even throw a vortex 40 yards at this point in his career. Exhibit B – Alex Smith – is not an NFL quarterback. He has no decision-making skills and no toughness. He is a big baby with some cool scruff. Learn from me, be wary of WR’s with awful quarterbacks.

Peyton Hillis defies all of my past logic on white running backs - and athletes in general

Don’t disregard a running back on waivers just because of his skin color. Sorry Peyton. My bad.

Don’t sleep on the importance of drafting a quality defense. Everybody tries to play the matchup game with their defense. Be the owner to reach for a strong defense. Consistency at this position is extremely underrated. I have learned this the hard way.

Willis McGahee is a dick – as are most old running backs. Avoid rbs who share a backfield with an older, more proven, and tougher back. Prime example is Willis McGahee. He stole all of Ray Rice’s touchdowns this year. This has lead to Ray Rice scoring a td in only two games this year. I fucking hate Willis McGahee. Shout out to the U though.

Try to avoid two equal-scoring Quarterbacks – Draft a top QB in top 3 rounds. Deciding between two above-average quarterbacks every week is torture. In my situation, I had Flacco and Kyle Orton. Both are pretty good, but not great. Because of this, I think I made the wrong decision at starting QB almost every single week. In my experience, I have had the most success in fantasy by drafting a stud within the first three rounds, and rolling with that dude every week without thought. A top 5 qb is an essential component to any good fantasy team.

Legarrette's fantasy-sleeper potential was obvious even in college!

Don’t draft a player if you cannot pronounce their last name. Its bad karma. Devin Aromashadu. Ouch.

Be patient with your sleeper. Two years in a row, I have dropped a fantasy sleeper a week before they blew up and dominated the 2nd half of the season. 2009 – Jamaal Charles. 2010 – Legarrette Blount. If you believe in a sleeper, give them time. Especially if they have players like Larry Johnson and Cadillac Williams ahead of them on the depth chart.

Donald Brown will never be good. I was very high on Brown when I drafted him in the 6th because I knew Addai was going to get hurt this season. However, I did not know that Donald Brown sucks major husky penis and should have never been drafted in the first round out of Uconn. Even Javarris James is better. Shout out to the U though.

Ben Jarvis Green Ellis has the best nickname in all of sports. The law firm. Enough said.

Fantasy football is a cold b*tch. But I love her. No matter how much time you put into it, no matter how much you know about what’s going on in the fantasy football world, you will never be able to predict all the crazy happenings of the NFL. You just gotta roll with it and adjust the best way you can.

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