SomePeopleThink This Is Why Americans Are Fat

I came across Epic Meal Time a few months ago, when it came up on a friend’s Facebook newsfeed. My friend quickly shared it with me, knowing that any video on Youtube with a couple million views – good or bad – will always catch my attention (as my internet wet dream is to have a viral video of my very own).

I proceeded to watch every video that Epic Meal Time had posted. Ranging from 2-5 minutes, the videos feature a group of six inebriated, 20-something Canadian guys, cooking the most outrageously gluttonous food you’ve ever seen and never could imagine.

A 100,000 calorie burger, nicknamed the “Ben Rothlisburger”. Their take on the turducken, but with 5 birds and a pig. Four loko chili. Bacon-covered, Jack Daniels-drowned everything. Epic Meal Time intelligently parodies the locavor movement, on their organically sustainable high-horses, with meat, meat and more meat.

Now beware, I’ve shared these videos with friends and co-workers, and there’s been some mixed reactions. Granted, it is pretty filthy watching a wasted guy (nicknamed “Muscles Glasses”, a wonderfully ironic moniker) eat chili with a paddle. But the inventive ideas and surprising knowledge of cooking is certainly worth it.

My advice? Start from the earliest videos and watch through to today. There’s an interesting progression in the scale of the recipes and the desire to monetize.

Because isn’t that the question, ultimately? How to transform a viral video sensation into a lucrative business venture (or at least make a couple bucks from the 5 million viewers freely watching your content). In a recent video, several seconds were dedicated to shilling for Gamefly, offering a promotion for viewers who visited gamefly.com/bacon. I’ve also read some articles suggesting the possibility of an Epic Meal Time television show, though I’m not sure about squeezing another 25-27 minutes out of this concept each week.

For now, though, I’m content to follow the Epic Meal Time gang, as they eat lamb heads and get wasted.

epicmealtime.com

youtube.com/epicmealtime

twitter.com/epicmealtime

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Some People Think This Legitimizes Potheads As a Real Market

According to a study by TIME Magazine (yea, I can do syndicated research too), 42% of people in America have smoked pot before, and according to another one of my  highly respected sources, answerbag.com, between 15-20% of Americans smoke regularly. This means that, conservatively guessing, 52,191,113 people may have the munchies right now. That is a serious target market (that’s not even including the entire ‘Baby-Sitter/Parents Night Out’ market…or better yet, the ‘Pot Smoking Babysitters’ market…). DiGiorno Pizza has announced a new product that combines a childhood classic, ‘break-n-bake’ frozen cookies, with another childhood afterschool all-star, frozen pizza.

I am really not even trying to be a smartass, but this is brilliant. I mean, how much simpler can they make it for sweet and salty snack seekers? (Especially those whose mind has been relegated to an 11 year old…) Not much. Not to mention, they nailed the pot smoking community’s respective favorite and second favorite treats for hunger pains (I wish I had a real statistic to support that). I’d also like to nod to the fact that they have a boneless buffalo tenders variety as well… well played DiGiorno…well played. In all seriousness,  DiGiorno demonstrates they know how to distinguish themselves in what is a pretty exhaused frozen pizza market – an already tough gig seeing as how cheap delivery pizza is (Any takers for ‘2’ as an over/under on number of years until Dominoes  just straight pays people to eat their pizza?). To me, this is a much smarter move than launching an unoriginal product, such as a wholesome new line of “Healthy DiGiorno” – played out territory that Amy’s has already conquered. DiGiorno is demonstrating what so many companies forget to realize – you don’t need to sell products to people, but instead, products to a lifestyle.  Some People Think DiGiorno is in touch with their consumers.

Some People Know What You Want For Dinner Tonight

10 Reasons You Need to Have a Banh Mi Sandwich

You want a Banh Mi Sandwich (pronounced BON MI) for dinner. Simple.

If you don’t know what they are batttleofthebanhmi.com describes them like so…

“It starts with a Viet style french baguette; usually made with a combination of rice and/or wheat flour, resulting in a very light, crackly crust and not overly dense bread. The majority of Viet bakeries strive & compete to achieve a golden, crackly crust with just a touch of center, where most of the baguette is more crust than center. A few other may be content on creating a Viet baguette that is a little more soft and chewy on the outside, and a little more “hoagie” like. So there is a bread for almost everyone.
Inside the length of the cut baguette or (occasionally a full demi-baguette), a great banh mi should have luscious, Viet flavored fillings such as pork prepared in numerous ways; juicy pork meat ball (xiu mai), bar-b-que (thit nuong), shredded (bi) and pork roll (cha lua).Other common ingredients used to finish the sandwich often are: liver pate, homemade mayo, touch of soy sauce, shredded pickled carrots & daikon, fresh cilantro, jalapeño heat and crispy cucumber slices. Most any of these condiments may be omitted since, banh mi are nearly always made to order…”

Heres my breakdown of them:

1 )   They are simply delicious. What marshmallows are to summer nights, Banh Mi is to savory.

2 ) They are a perfect balance of uttterly palatable Asian flavors – yet manage to escape the prerequisite of ‘coated in grease’

3 )   They are like $3.50 each for a solid 8 inches of  ‘lish. Touch that Subway! And unlike Subway they are actually fresh, made with real ingredients and don’t make you feel like you devoured rock after consumption

4 )   They are healthy for you. Not exactly your Omega 3 Protein and Acai Shake, but ingredients are usually fresh – French baguette, Viet filled pork of some delicious sort, and vegetable including carrots, cilantro (oh sweet mother freshness how I love cilantro) onion etc.  Certainly better than your typical Friday night grease soaked fatty Burger.

5 ) You will want two. Ok, so they are $7.00.  I lied. Perhaps your are more disciplined than I…

6 )   They provide a great alternative for a dinner date – delicious, different, shows  you’re cultured, cheap, and will certainly make your date more memorable than the ‘Olive Garden and movie night’ you had ingeniously originally conceived…

7 )   Did I mention they are like a happiness-filled grenade exploding the perfect flavor  ratio into your mouth?

8 ) They are def hipster. Remember when eating sushi was cool like 7 years ago then everyone knew it was cool then it was not as cool anymore. Thats where this is going, except this time you can actually be in the know (for the record – sushi is still amazing but that’s neither here nor there…)

9 ) Banh Mi Sandwiches are a gateway drug to the rest of delicious Vietnamese cuisine… widely known as the most underrated of all Asian cuisines

10 ) To summarize: savory, grease free, cheap, healthy, irresistible,  date-worthy, hip, Asian flavor explosion. Did I mention delicious?

That’s my pitch. Low risk, very high reward. Try one and if you don’t like it – take a picture and I will personally reimburse you. No joke. (see bullet #3). Have at it. Enjoy future Banh Mi addicts. As for me, I want some Banh Mi All Up On Me!

Some People Think Thanksgiving Hinges on Where You Sit

Refer to this diagram. I recognize this setup varies depending on your household – but remain confident you can take some tidbits of info to maximize your turkey feasting experience.

1)   If you are the head of the table, the host, the head honcho, the master of the domain, well then frankly none of this really applies to you. You are the king and therefore should be treated like royalty. Sit back, and enjoy your feast.

2)   Which leaves seats 2-10 still up for grabs. Some peoples immediate knee jerk reaction would say go for wherever is closest to the turkey. ‘Optimal position for seconds and quick access to all the best cuts of meat’.  Common misconception. This is because everyone else recognizes this as well. You will get intermittent bites of food between passing the dishes up and down the table. You become a glorified conveyor belt and dinner becomes more of a chore than the feast of the year.  And God forbid you don’t give Uncle Walter enough sweet potatoes. All hell could break loose. Avoid seats 3,4,8 & 9 at all costs.

3)   6 is off limits. I mean in the off chance you get assigned to this seat in the case that the heads wife isn’t sitting there nor Grandpa Jones – this spot becomes a runner. Forgot the cranberry sauce? Go get it. Gravy is stuck at the complete other end – forget about it. This table also gives you the appearance of being involved in the days production – you don’t want that lingering over you if the meal bombs.

4)   2,5,7 & 10 remain. Avoid sitting anywhere near the closest doorway to the kitchen. If the designated runner isn’t the person sitting opposite the head – it’s you. You’re the go to kitchen bitch. Nothing ruins a meal like having to get up and down after the first course. Seat 7 – no thanks.

5)   Admittedly this isn’t applicable in all houses – but TV viewership gives you a lot of flexibility. Boring convo – watch football.  Political debate – watch football. Grandma accidentally insults your sister’s interracial boyfriend – watch football. It allows you to zone out, enjoy the game, change conversation quickly and still manage your fantasy team. That would eliminate seat 5.

6)   So this leaves a showdown between seat 2 and 10. While either would be fine – you will notice a drink stand next to one of the seats. This becomes a matter of preference. You may get stuck serving drinks all night – however if you happen to be in college where you know damn well you could out drink anyone at the table but still feel like you are being frowned upon for it – this is a brilliant way to sneak yourself top shelf booze without question. Or maybe your just a closet alcoholic like me – lets avoid giving your family more gossip.

7)   So assuming you’re above the legal age, serving drinks is a chore (especially to pretentious cousin Paul who demands super high brow drinks only so he can criticize the fact that you put ¾ of vermout opposed to 1/2) –  this makes 10 the best seat in the house. Minimal responsibility. TV viewership. Access to everything immediately after the king gets served. This is optimal. Sure, Thanksgiving is about being with family, but really, it’s the meal of the year. Some people think you should enjoy it.

SomePeopleThink Turkeys Can’t Dress like Hammer

I’m not a big turkey guy. I prefer chicken and hamburgers and anything else from Wendy’s but in this case turkey is too legit to quit. Happy Thanksgiving

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Some People Think This is the Past, Present, and Future of Nutrition

You know what it is.

No, it’s not droppings in nature from Homely Palin. C’mon, we’re over her. Time to move on. Catch up. We move fast around here.

Guess again.

That’s right!! It’s the vaunted, hyped, mysterious, McRib.

Ever since The Simpsons came out with their Ribwich episode, deifying the sandwich to Zeus-like levels and dubbing their loyal followers “Ribheads,” I knew I needed to try it.

That’s when I was first introduced to the sandwich.

For centuries, Americans have traveled this great nation in search of this elusive Empress.

Fast forward to Saturday night. B-Crusin around, when it hits me like a Pacquiao left hook.

“Loveeeeeee, such a silly game we playyyyy”

McDonald’s marketing strikes again. This time on the radio. I need a McRib. What country is this? America? Ok, perfect. That means I have a Mcdonald’s Radius of 1.5707963. Everyone knows it is U.S. Law that there must be a Mcdonald’s within a diametrical measurement of pi (π) miles.

I now present the documentation of My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy with the McRib.

6:33 PM: Drive-Thru, of course. Once again this is America. You think my fat-ass is getting out of the car?

6:34 PM: Order 1 McRib Value meal. SUPERSIZE THAT ISH!

6:35 PM: Nearly jump out of my car and fight the McDoanld’s employee who charges me .25 cents for Bar-B-Q Sauce. I thought this was America? Land of the free, home of the brave?

6:44 PM: Take pictures so I will never forget this day for the rest of my life.

6:46 PM: Take my first bite.

6:47 PM: Chubby.

6:48 PM: Halfway through this magical sandwich. I hope it never ends.

6:49 PM: It ends.

6:51 PM: Reflection.

6:52 PM: Buddy, are you alright? I never knew a sandwich could make me feel warm inside. She is my lady. I go to TheRulesofMarriage.com/USA/Sandwiches. You can’t marry a Sandwich/Sub/Hoagie/Gyro or BLT. Damn. (Sidebar: You can marry an omelette or a panini. I wonder who mades these rules…are they hiring?)

6:53 -9:43 PM: I think I blacked out during this time frame.

9:44 PM: I get the call. It’s time to hit the club. With a McRib in my belly.

11:21 PM – 1:57 AM: The club can’t even handle me right now.

2:19 AM: The Mcrib fueled my night unlike any Red-Bull, fourloko, or prescription drug ever could. It is why God created McDonalds. It may well be the fountain youth, 8th wonder of the world, and I’m pretty sure the McRib is what is inside Pandora’s box.

Catch – 22: It’s $3.99 for a value meal. So clearly they have priced out the common-folk from enjoying McRib’s on a day-to-day basis.

Conclusion: Every day I do not indulge in my McRib obsession is a miserable, miserable failure. Until next time……….

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