SomePeopleThink Reed Hastings Can’t Do Anything Right

SomePeopleThink its poor form to shit on the guy whose already down. I’d like to think I am better than that… but I’m not. I will keep this rant against Netflix CEO Reed Hastings short though, and avoid my angry ranting tendency…. Sort of.

Netflix used to be awesome. Although I still currently am a subscribed customer (for now) I literally feel like Netflix has become a bag of punch lines I make during small talk with strangers.

I reiterate, Netflix used to be awesome.

Then everything went terribly wrong. It’s like Netflix Execs sat around a table and decided to see how many things they could do to piss customers off while raising it’s stock price. Here’s what I mean…

Winter 2010: During my rampant LOST addiction and series marathon, the quality of my instant stream is the equivalent of free Internet porn. The remedy? A slew of emails asking ‘How was the quality of you viewing experience?’ Which really means, we know your quality sucks, and we aren’t going to do much about it, but this email shows we kind of care, but again, we definitely aren’t going to do much of anything to fix it (this will become a theme)

The last 2 years: Netflix boasts hundreds of instantly available movies via streaming, 97% of which are totally unwatchable, 2% are watchable with the aid of several grams of weed, with the remaining 1% containing something I am mildly interested in seeing, but most likely have already seen. Case and point: my fiancé and I once used to bicker about which movie to watch. Now we argue about whether or not the one any movie is worth 2 hour of time and then ultimately decide 2 consecutive hours of House Hunters International laden with commercials is still an upgrade.

July 2011: Reed Hastings sends a terse  email announcing it is jacking up prices with little explanation. Bastard.

August 2011: Netflix stock prices plunges

September 19th, 2011: Reed Hastings realizes that people hate him because of the price upgrade. So he sends a mopey email, which I have taken the liberty to paraphrase below:

Dear Customer,

Look I am super sorry I raised prices. I feel pretty bad bad, but charging more makes a lot of sense. Here’s why: because we have researched and found that our DVD via mail business and instant stream business are two VERY DIFFERENT business… even though I will provide no validation of explanation of this statement. To make this more apparent though, I will now actually just create two totally separate business’ that you now have to manage in two separate places – because separating something that was once convenient from one place into two totally different places  will make this way less confusing and cumbersome for you. I will even give this new company where you can manage DVD’s a brand new super vague name (Qwikster) that could be the name of literally any business in the world – from a 711 knockoff to a Cash-for-Checks establishment. DON’T WORRY THOUGH – the envelopes will still be RED because I figured changing the color would devastate you guys more than anything else. Again, don’t worry, the envelopes ARE STILL RED! Again, I realize I’ve probably pissed you all off and I feel really bad, but I am only like 70% sure of what I did wrong, and since I can’t identify the problem, I can’t possibly fix it – but I am making an effort…  look I even wrote this personal email to you.  Oh also, great super sweet news, we now offer VIDEOGAMES! Isn’t that awesome all of you prepubescent 13 year olds?!? So many videogames! Now you never have to make friends! Oh also, about the price raising thing,… its still not cheaper, but now you have two separate things on your bill which is probably easier for you.  That’s about all. Thanks!

Your pal,

REED HASTINGS (this guys name is also something that pisses me off but I realize that is probably unfair)

September 19th, 2011 a little later: Reed realizes that he forgeot to check if the Twitter handle for Qwikster was already taken. It is….by a weed smoking degenerate. See for yourself:

quik2quik3

quik4

This is the only appropriate response I can think off

At least a new company name can’t possibly be a downgrade from Qwikster…

SomePeopleThink  Netflix officially sucks now. I have attached this cartoon I stole from the oatmeal.com in case you are still vague on exactly what happened. The bottom line is that Netflix is like 2 years away from becoming a Harvard case study on how to ruin a great business model with the worst customer service in the world. SomePeopleThink Reed Hastings needs to get this fixed fast before I just DVR my way out of Netflix forever.

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Death to SPT?

We haven’t posted in awhile. This I know. This we all know. But I promise it is not to death to SPT. Not on my watch. There are things in this world I will fight to keep alive, and this is one of them. In honor of our nondeath, I proclaim death to other things.

DEATH TO VAGUEBOOKING

"I hate Thursdays."

Vaguebooking, if you’re unfamiliar with it, is the act of posting vague things on your facebook in attempt to elicit sympathy. “Long day, I need the weekend,” “I just need one break,” “Worse day ever!!” and anything involving “FML” are all good examples. I’d rather see any humblebrag of minor celebrity run-ins or pictures of delicious looking food any day than Vaguebooking. So Death to Vaguebooking!!

DEATH TO THE NFL LOCKOUT

I never was a huge NFL fan, but I’m glad this lockout is over. Mainly so people will stop talking about it. But also because the sport is great and so many people love it. GO RAIDERS and Death To The Lockout!

DEATH TO GOOGLE+

Let’s all admit it: Google+ was a cool idea and seemed really cool when it came out. But now? It’s just another social media site we all don’t want to update along with our other 2, 3, 4, or however many else you have. It’s cool and all, but I think it’s done. Death To Google+!

DEATH TO HIPSTERDOM

"I don't believe in dentistry or paying taxes"

We get it. You bought into the counterculture culture of counterculturedom to show you have your own culture. You like your lensless clear Ray-Bans. You like Band X and Band Y and this and that and whatever else we all know about Hipsters. It’s time for the next trend. Really. I can only hope it involves something stripper chic and tennis visors. Death to Hipsterdom!

DEATH TO WOMEN’S SPORTS HATERDOM

As the Women’s World Cup proved, Women’s sports can be interesting and entertaining. I think we all agree they’re not the same as the big boy sports (ones with dudes) but they have their own place. Stop hating on them because it’s cool. I admit, I’m minorly guilty of this but fuck it, I endorse women’s sports if only to watch them on mute. Especially women’s beach volleyball (Misty May-Treanor and Kerri Walsh baby!!) Death to Women’s Sports Haterdom!

That’s the list for now. SPT isn’t on it. Because we’re still here.

Continue to enjoy our shit.

shmek

SomePeopleThink I’m The World’s Worst Blogger

Don't worry Max, I'm sure Piff will blog again soon

Yep, that about says it. I’m like a neglectful father, I start realizing I haven’t been around in a while and that causes me to stay away even more. It’s awful, I know. I’m an absentee blogger, and I’m sorry for that. And I don’t promise I’ll get any better either. I’ll just end up breaking your heart again like Max in Liar Liar. So enjoy me while I’m here, faithful SPT readers.

At any rate I realized recently that somehow I went from listening to almost exclusively hip hop, to mostly electronic music. I don’t know how it started, but having Sirius radio in my new car definitely perpetuated it (especially BPM, get on BPM if you have Sirius). Its bad news for my downstairs neighbors, but good news for anyone who wants some more techno. Below are my most recent and most played songs of the last few weeks. As always I’ve mixed a few old in there as well to keep the balance. Hope you enjoy:

 

Pressure (Alesso Remix) – Nadia Ali, Starkillers & Alex Kenji

Feel It – Ferry Corsten

Call My Name (Spencer Hill Remix) – Sultan Ned & Shepard feat. Nadia Ali

Feel So Close – Calvin Harris

Penguin + ID – Avicci

Forever Is Over (Vibekidz Remix) – Basslovers United 

Starry Eyed (Russ Chimes Radio Edit) – Ellie Goulding

Happy Summer

-Piff

SomePeopleThink This Is Why Americans Are Fat

I came across Epic Meal Time a few months ago, when it came up on a friend’s Facebook newsfeed. My friend quickly shared it with me, knowing that any video on Youtube with a couple million views – good or bad – will always catch my attention (as my internet wet dream is to have a viral video of my very own).

I proceeded to watch every video that Epic Meal Time had posted. Ranging from 2-5 minutes, the videos feature a group of six inebriated, 20-something Canadian guys, cooking the most outrageously gluttonous food you’ve ever seen and never could imagine.

A 100,000 calorie burger, nicknamed the “Ben Rothlisburger”. Their take on the turducken, but with 5 birds and a pig. Four loko chili. Bacon-covered, Jack Daniels-drowned everything. Epic Meal Time intelligently parodies the locavor movement, on their organically sustainable high-horses, with meat, meat and more meat.

Now beware, I’ve shared these videos with friends and co-workers, and there’s been some mixed reactions. Granted, it is pretty filthy watching a wasted guy (nicknamed “Muscles Glasses”, a wonderfully ironic moniker) eat chili with a paddle. But the inventive ideas and surprising knowledge of cooking is certainly worth it.

My advice? Start from the earliest videos and watch through to today. There’s an interesting progression in the scale of the recipes and the desire to monetize.

Because isn’t that the question, ultimately? How to transform a viral video sensation into a lucrative business venture (or at least make a couple bucks from the 5 million viewers freely watching your content). In a recent video, several seconds were dedicated to shilling for Gamefly, offering a promotion for viewers who visited gamefly.com/bacon. I’ve also read some articles suggesting the possibility of an Epic Meal Time television show, though I’m not sure about squeezing another 25-27 minutes out of this concept each week.

For now, though, I’m content to follow the Epic Meal Time gang, as they eat lamb heads and get wasted.

epicmealtime.com

youtube.com/epicmealtime

twitter.com/epicmealtime

SomePeopleThink Lindsay Lohan is a Hollywood Train Wreck

And while I agree, I do think there’s a bit more to the story that’s worth looking at.

Imagine you’re 16 years old again. You have your own apartment in Los Angeles, a sweet Mercedes SLK convertible and a few million dollars in the bank. You have a 24 year old boyfriend. Your mom, whose income relies directly on your own, lives 2,500 miles away. Your dad is in jail. Your face is a rotating fixture on US Weekly, Perez Hilton and TMZ.

Now, I can only imagine that this being Los Angeles (and Shmekie – please correct me if I’m wrong), you also have every grimy, sleazy club promoter dude, with his top two shirt buttons open, trying to lure you into the VIP section, bribing you with Grey Goose, Red Bull and all the free trips to the bathroom you care to consume.

What would you do?

This is what happens when you date Wilmer Valderrama.

Lindsay Lohan did this: Two DUIs, Possession of a controlled substance, driving with a suspended license, grand theft, reckless driving, three stints in jail, four to rehab, and countless accusations of theft, drug abuse and assault.

I hate to say it, but if I had been in Lindsay’s position, I’d probably be in at least half the trouble she’s in right now. I can’t imagine that most 16 year olds could be thrown into that position and come out half decent. But why is it that Lindsay Lohan – who, when you take a look at child actors over the years, is really no exception – takes so much of the flak?

Like Lindsay, Shia LaBeouf began his career at 10 years old on the Disney Channel. At 18 years old, he bought his own home in Los Angeles. He and Lindsay are now both 24.

In 2007, the same year Lindsay’s legal problems began, Shia refused to leave a Chicago Walgreens. I can kind of understand refusing to leave, say, a Crate & Barrel – the sofas are really comfy – but a Walgreens? What could possibly be all that interesting in there? Anyhoo, arrest #1 for misdemeanor criminal trespassing.

In 2008, Shia received a ticket for unlawful smoking (again, another idiotic reason to ever be involved with law enforcement). He then failed to appear in court for the ticket and a bench warrant was issued for his arrest.

Smoking outside is illegal now? So. Lame.

Later in 2008, Shia’s car was hit by a vehicle that ran a red light. It was 3am and when the police smelled alcohol on Shia’s breath, and the kid refused a breathalyzer, they arrested him for misdemeanor drunk driving. His driver’s license was suspended for a year.

And finally, in 2011, Shia got into a fight outside a bar in Sherman Oaks. While he was handcuffed by LAPD, no arrest was made.

Now let’s go look at TMZ.com. Searching “Lindsay Lohan” on the celebrity gossip site yields 1,430 articles, 657 photos and 669 videos. Searching “Shia LaBeouf” returns 23 articles, 16 photos and 15 videos.

This could all be because Shia’s last name is nearly impossible to spell, but there’s probably something more to it. Is it gender? Are we more interested in the “bad girl”, while we expect this type of behavior from the “bad boy”? Is it the drugs? The constant cocaine rumors surrounding Lindsay, while Shia’s legal troubles stem from alcohol and cigarettes? Also, let’s keep in mind that Lindsay was f’ing hilarious in Mean Girls, and Wall Street 2: Money Never Dies was the worst movie ever made.

This movie is the opposite of #WINNING.

I don’t really have an answer to any of this. My gut tells me it’s the gender thing, but I hate to get all feminist up in hurr.

-nif.

 

shmek EDIT:

As far as the sleazeball dragging you into the VIP section, personally I’ve never been pulled into a booth with promises of Patron, pills and pre-teen pregnancy. But then again I am no Lindsay Lohan. However it’s definitely safe to say there’s enough d-bags trying to rape things in L.A. to back up your assumptions; it has its vices and distractions maybe almost as many as Las Vegas.

Also I think the reason Lindsay is so highly disliked is because she’s a better actor than Shia. Mean Girls was hilarious and even in The Parent Trap, we all collectively sensed this little redhead had something in her (pedophilic pause). Shia just craps out movies like Holes, Eagle Eye, or Transformers nonsense. Don’t even bring up the 4th Indiana Jones. So when she crapped the bed, it sucked more than if Shia did anything, ever. Good or bad. It’s like when Heath Ledger died, we were all heartbroken. But if Steve-O died tomorrow, we’d all be sad and then move on. Your level of artistry is reflected in America’s attention span for you.

SomePeopleThink This is The 6 Step Plan to Becoming a Hipster

SomePeopleThink hipsters rule. TheGreatMikesby certainly does. But being a hipster isn’t as hard as it seems, we promise. Our hysterical guest contributor Patrick Merryman has provided the perfect 6 step plan to overnight hipster glory. Follow verbatim for maximum effect.

Wardrobe– So you want to be a hipster? Appearance will be of the utmost importance. Your goal is to live by a credo that disregards what everyone else thinks. Starting with a tattoo that proclaims just that is a good start, but to truly begin, you will need to completely change your wardrobe in order to conform to the notorious anti-conformity group. This will be easy considering the clothes you are looking for are more than likely clothes other people have thrown out. Ransack your local Salvation Army, or Good Will. Remember, you are looking for clothes that, when worn, will cause others to make faces and say things like “that kid is trying too hard” or possibly “Is it me or does he smell incredibly dirty?” I would recommend wearing shirts with strange animals on them and wearing jeans so tight that a passerby will be able to hear your genitals scream (The more visible your ‘man-ridge’ is, the better). If at any point in the day you are complimented on your wardrobe by someone who looks like they may be a contributing member of society, it is imperative that you run home and throw out the entire outfit to start over.

Music- Whether you are a step ahead of the game or a step behind it, it does not matter because you can always lie. “I liked that band too…UNTILL THEY SOLD OUT!” Don’t forget the second part because this is applicable to about every band that comes out of nowhere with a hit song. If lying is not in your blood, which by the way makes you a pussy, you can just dig for garage bands and other nobody’s, then just convince yourself that you enjoy the sounds leaking from their instruments (or what ever household items they are banging on). A few current hipster favorites are Childish Gambino, Bon Iver, and Iron & Wine, but to be honest, as you read those names, they are probably not cool anymore, especially since I just mentioned them. Don’t you dare even mention Arcade Fire…If you don’t like the idea of even actually listening to music to pretend you like it you can just string together your own hipster band name. Take an adjective and an obscure noun and you will have created something…example “Have you heard of ‘Angry Cups’? Their old stuff is pretty awesome.”

Transportation- Get a bike. You care about the environment now. The bike will be with you all the time so it should be an extension of yourself. Consequently, don’t be surprised if you find yourself with an outdated, dirty, broken bike, which ultimately is a pain in the ass.

Home Décor- Antique shops will be your best friend. Similar to the way in which you found your clothes, you will be rummaging through things others have forgotten and discarded. ‘Bohemian’ or ‘Eclectic’ is the only style you decorate in – which is just a hip way of saying that you put zero thought into the outcome of the mish-mash of space known as your home, but Eclectic sounds like this clusterfuck wordly effect is by design. Next, throw your iPod out, and learn to appreciate vinyl or a walkman. Steal your grandparents old dresser or T.V., and if you are lucky you may be able to find an old Pabst Blue Ribbon sign to hang up in your room (which by the way is the only thing you drink now other than water, green tea, and expired cool blue Gatorade).

Conversation Topics- You will talk almost exclusively about things that were respected 10, 15, or even 20 years ago… or possibly never respected at all (Manute Bol, Chris Dudley, Rey Ordonez) – Super Nintendo, Where the Wild Things Are, Ninja Turtles, Pokemon, old and new political conspiracies etc… In the eyes of a hipster it’s only cool to be random, and annoyingly nostalgic, which will garner you a lot of attention. (When it comes to “getting attention” it’s important to act like you hate it, but you should do everything in your power to get it.)

Hate “The Man”- No more motion pictures featuring A-list actors. You will only see indie films featuring whoever the ‘actor disaster de jour’ is, and any picture involving heavy drug use. No more reading New York Times Best Sellers on a regular basis. You need to become an expert on two obscure books so you can post a quote from them on your Facebook profile and spring into action when anyone brings the titles up at some point. Don’t choose “The Great Gatsby”,  that ship sailed right when UrbanOutfitters began selling a shirt featuring the American classic on it. If someone brings up one of these obscure books it is your responsibility as a hipster to make that person feel stupid by proving how smart (and utterly useless) you are. If you feel like you are coming off like an Elitist and its making everyone hate you – don’t worry! SomePeopleThink that’s what being a hipster is supposed to feel like.

By: Patrick Merriman (@PatrickMerryman)

SomePeopleThink Lizzy Caplan is Your New Favorite Actress

So, I’ve been asked to add a bit of estrogen to Some People Think. Well, not sure I was technically asked…But like most things in my life, I’m offering my goods for free (hmm, that didn’t come out right).

As a human with a vagina, who is often surrounded by penises (gosh, this is just NOT sounding at all how it did in my head), I’m often caught in the middle of the gender divide. I find that I get along really well with boys, and have a tendency to see things from a bit more of a male perspective than other 24-year old girls.

But when I really start thinking about what that means, I get confused. I hate beer and don’t know a damn thing about sports, but if you give me a glass of white wine, and at least answer my questions about whichever game happens to be on (how many periods in hockey? What’s a technical foul?), I’m going to be a hell of a lot happier than seeing the newest romantic comedy and discussing which Sex and the City character I am (That is such a Samantha thing to say).

I know what a New York City apartment costs, Carrie. Freelance writer? I'm calling bullshit.

If you’re still reading, this was my long-winded introduction into why some people think Lizzy Caplan is your new favorite actress – for both males and females alike. You may know Miss Caplan as Casey Klein from Starz’ short-lived series Party Down (which, if you haven’t already seen, I couldn’t recommend more highly), and you definitely know her as Janis Ian from Mean Girls.

But what makes Caplan such a wonderfully alluring actress is her ability to seem just as comfortable as both one of the girls and one of the guys. She’s not annoyingly girly (e.g., Kate Hudson in just about anything), and she’s not obnoxiously “one of the guys”.

During Glee last night, (see! I am a good female!) I saw a promo for a new Fox show, “New Girl”. The description on Fox.com is as follows:

 Jess Day (Zooey Deschanel) is an offbeat and adorable girl in her late 20s who, after a bad breakup, moves in with three single guys. Goofy, positive, vulnerable and honest to a fault, Jess has faith in people, even when she shouldn’t. Although she’s dorky and awkward, she’s comfortable in her own skin.

Now, Zooey Deschanel is annoying for about a million other reasons, but this character seems absolutely insufferable – she’s obnoxiously “one of the guys”. And while most members of the male persuasion might not understand what I’m talking about, I’m hoping the female readers out there do.

Anyways, while I’ve gone a little off-track, but Lizzy Caplan is awesome and I’m excited for what’s to come in her career.

Also, she has big boobs. Always a plus.

Watch Lizzy in this fantastic short: http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/a5c1f2716c/successful-alcoholics

SomePeopleThink This is How You Cook

This girl is freaking hilarious. After 30 seconds of watching this video I knew I was gonna post it. It combines 3 of my favorite things: drinking, breakfast, and smashcuts. I can’t decide if she’s actually getting drunk or if she’s just a good actor, but either way I’m digging it. Some of her one liners absolutely killed me, especially: :46, 1:39, 1:42, 2:42, 3:10.

Enjoy!

Stay hungry my friends.

-piff

Thank to Ileza and Ross for passing this one along.

Some People Think Social Networking Changed with America

Social networking. It’s kinda like a big deal. Every company wants to make money off it because nearly every person is a part of it. There’s the whole privacy vs. information innovation battle. There’s always new ways to reach consumers. There’s even ways to tell your friends where you are at all times (remember when Facebook’s newsfeed was stalkerish?). I just wanna take a minute and look back at it’s origins and where I think it’s headed. Cause I think it parallels our country’s evolution from the ‘90s to today.

Remember the first Real World?

I don't know any of them.

Me neither cause I’m not an old fuck! Just kidding, but I am too young. Anyways, it was a simple idea: put strangers in a house and people will watch. That’s kinda like AOL, which I consider to be the origin of social networking. It was a simple concept: put everyone in one online room, and people will pay. Their CD mailing program was a great way to get people hooked as well, and plus now if you have the packaging they make good retro coasters. Anyways, everyone and their fucking mom had AOL. Hell, everyone’s mom still has AOL. It had email, yes, but it also had IM, chatrooms and more. You’d just log on with that cccrrrrhhhh  rrrrrrrrrrrhhhhhh di-duummm di-dummm modem sound and you were in touch with your friends. It was also the beginnings of the widespread use of smileys and shit like 143, lol, and <3.

aol? more like lol

It was the first time we could all connect and share things with each other from remote locations on a mass scale. And at low cost. It was the dawn of many people having an email address and screenname. It was also the dawn of Slingo and A/S/L. Praise Jesus for that. AOL really changed the country’s mindset towards the internet, online interaction and what we could and couldn’t do online. Before AOL, the internet was something you had heard about and maybe seen but it was so slow you didn’t even care. The technical growth along with AOL really formed the base of social networking for years to come.

I consider the next step to be MySpace, since each user had their own page, separating themselves from the rest of the pack. It was the dawn of the internet persona—real or fake, up to you. When people visited your page, they saw a glimpse of who you were, from color schemes, your bio and, of course, whatever shitty music you loved that you forced people to listen to. It was a way of the powerless exerting what little power they could through some terrible Coheed and Cambria song. But I fucking digress. This was completely reflective of the ‘90s thought process of individuality to the extreme.

He tried to look cool. He failed.

Facebook expanded on this model and thankfully discarded the music-playing bit. Everyone had their own page and whatnot, but Facebook did and continues to innovate on a level really unparalleled by anyone but Google. Soon after their launch, they added photos, changed layouts, added the newsfeed, mobile functionality, video uploads, etc. You name it, Facebook could pretty much do it. Maybe short of a nice massage. Obviously their updates have been met with mixed results, but overall it’s generally positive. We all know this. However at this point in time, Facebook is pretty impersonal. It’s changed from a network of college kids trying to see who is going to their school to nearly everyone in America and many the world over.

Consequently, we all friend people that we’re not really friends with. This is a point I will expand on later as well. “Oh, I worked with this guy once, I guess I’ll friend him” or “Oh yeah, that girl is cute, I should friend her,” or “Yeah, that’s Paul’s friend so I guess I’ll friend him.” It’s become a loose network of half-friends that we have a hard time sorting through. “What do I tell to who?” is the major question that social networking struggles with. It’s the main rift between real life and virtual life. When you’re with your friends in the real world, you have your inside jokes and things you appreciate together. But these things don’t necessarily resonate with all your friends and may even upset some of them, especially employers. We all know this. Shit, even Google knows it as they’re trying to compete with Facebook with Circles, a platform that’ll let you have different social circles—a la the Circle of Trust from Meet The Parents—who you share information with. But it’s still a struggle.

Another major problem with Facebook is its ubiquity. Yes, it’s great that most people you know (if you’re of my generation) are on fb, but it’s also pretty annoying. Your newsfeed is part annoying complaints “UGGGHHH I HATE SNOW!!”, part shameless plugs for money “Raising money for  ______!!”, part virus links that promise to show you who views your profile, and part pleas for attending events like, “Come see me grow grass outside for 18 hours!” Any major news that people once shared with their tight knit group of friends on facebook isn’t always something they want to share with everyone.

So Facebook’s purposes are much more compartmentalized, which makes it confusing and tiresome. The change in Facebook, like AOL and MySpace before it, also mimicked a cultural shift. Clearly after about a decade of being online America was used to sharing things. Facebook just took it to another level with what you could share and who you shared it with. But now, since it’s been so satiated, it’s become yet another thing you have to sort through to get to the good stuff, just like TV and email before it. Not only is this a comment on social networking but really American culture in general.

When I took German in college, my professor remarked that Americans have many more friends than Europeans, but aren’t as close with them. In Germany you have maybe 20 people you use a certain word for “friend” for and the rest are just people you know. Here everyone is just a friend, with the same title regardless of whether you saw them piss themselves in kindergarten. The same applies to Facebook. There’s no tiers of friends, everyone is the same.

Now, enter Twitter. I believe this is the most perfect form of social networking we have right now. It’s biggest selling point is its length, or lack thereof. It’s succinct, which makes it optimal for the trend of not only on-the-go social networking, but on-the-go lifestyle. Americans are constantly in motion and need everything, everywhere, always. You can also control who follows you, if you want, and it’s not as big of a deal if you deny someone as it is with Facebook. Twitter is also a direct connection to celebrities and companies’ customer service. These attributes combine—sadly enough—to fill two core 21st century American values of celebrity-worship and entitlement.

We’ve not only become a more online-savvy and –dependant culture, but we’ve also become more entitled and impatient. We used to connect at 28K and were fine with it but now even at speeds 5x faster, we complain. I don’t want to dwell on this too much, but we have become much more impatient of a culture. Greg Giraldo has a joke about restaurant staffs singing birthday songs to people, “That used to be for children at Chuck E Cheese. Now you can go to any restaurant, ‘HEYY IT’S MY BIRTHDAY DANCE AROUND OR SOMETHIN!’” The same goes for our social networking.

R.I.P.

This all adds up to the 21st century American social networking experience. Quick, impersonal, star-studded, entertaining, entitled. We wanna know everything instantly, yet we aren’t satisfied with it. Still, it can work as a way of reaching businesses, sharing ideas, music and more and also just simply staying in touch. It’s the best we have right now and is still pretty fun.

In the future, I think a mixture between the brief nature of Twitter and the ubiquity of Facebook—with easier and better privacy controls—is the optimal social networking option. Clearly people want to be online, and say whatever they want. However, the less time they spend censoring themselves and wondering who sees what, they more time they’ll actually spend on sharing things. Which is good for both users and business as they can sell more ad space. A model like Twitter that helps you reach a bigger audience and automatically either adjusts what you say or filters much better than Facebook is the next step. Something that can analyze what you say and decide who to send it to, without you even telling it to.

I think something will come and replace Twitter as the go-to social networking site. Yes, Facebook is the biggest, but I think it’s kind of played out. People will continue to use it but the novelty is certainly gone, and that’s part of the allure in America. Also, the privacy issues have been cumbersome and slow to resolve, and now that anyone can get one there’s no cache. We all think we belong in the VIP line, when clearly, we don’t. Sir, you work at McDonald’s and drive a ’96 Camry. Check yoself.

Maybe this is all one big ramble, but I think the change in the nature and format of social networking mimics the cultural shift of the USA of the ’90s to the USA of the ’00s and ’10s.

Some People Think Baseball’s In The Name

It’s that time of year.

No, not MayFest.

It’s time for baseball. Spring training is over, as are Opening Day and Opening Week. We’re already in full baseball swing and whether you like the sport or not, it has a lot to offer. Like Ozzy Guillen’s antics, the legendary Bob Uecker or if you’re a babe, Derek Jeter (omg he’s like, still hot). It also offers many funny names and has historically since its beginning . I’ve compiled a list of a few of my favorites below. Enjoy these humorous handles:

Jarrod Saltalamacchia – Fun name, cool nickname (Salty) & takes up a ton of room on the jersey.

And you thought you had trouble spelling your name in 1st grade.

J.J. Putz – I think I’d appreciate this guy’s name more if I were Jewish, but it’s still a great name and he lives up to the billing with that stupid soulpatch.

BYYYAHHHH!!!

Coco Crisp – Even though it’s not his real name, it’s still hilarious if your team has a cereal in center field. And he even helped the Red Sucks on their way to the World Series title in 2007. So I guess you can say kudos to Coco.

"I hope that's 2%! I specifically asked for 2%!!!"

Milton Bradley – While the player is always controversial, his name is near and dear to kids everywhere. Operation, Battleship, Life, Candyland; who couldn’t love a guy with that name? (Well, umpires Larry Vanover and Mike Winters, Cubs fans, Cubs GM Jim Hendrey, former Indians manager Eric Wedge and Royals announcer Ryan Lefebvre…but who’s counting?)

And yeah, he literally just got tossed out of a Mariners game as I wrote this post.

How can a guy with such a fun name be so angry?

Mike Sweeney – Say it fast. You’ll get it.

You had a rough childhood, didn't you?

Dick Pole – In the same vein (pause) as Sweeney, but taken an inch further (pause).

...aaaand Beavers for the win.

Johnny Dickshot – Let’s round out this trio of nether region-related names with the best of the bunch.

I think he has videos online. What? Those aren't his?

Antonio Bastardo – A man whose name would have been blasphemy in baseball’s early days. Currently, he’s 1-0 with a 0.87 ERA for the Phils. Babies born out of wedlock be damned.

Johnny Dangerously remake, anyone?

Harmon Killebrew – SHOTGUN!!!!! FRATERNITY!!!! BEER!!!!! CHUGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!! GAHHHH!!!!!

Drink if your name ends in illebrew.

Rollie Fingers – Okay, besides the majestic mustache, Rollie’s name also doubles as a question.

No stopping me this time, Smee!

Rusty Kuntz – Do you really need a snarky joke here?

His face just screams "THAT THING NEEDS OIL!!!"

Melky Cabrera – Only because as a friend once screamed from the bleachers of Old Yankee Stadium, “I HAVE NIPPLES GREG, CAN YA MELK ME!?!?!” And because how could I not include a Yankee or two on this list?

The MelkMan Delivers!

Goose Gossage – Probably the most famous Goose of all time, other than the character from Top Gun. Or one of my fraternity brothers infamous for a lot of things, one being him saying “chili” after most coherent thoughts.

"But Daddy, I want a Golden Goose nowwwww!!!!!"

Phil Coke – Rounding out a trio of ex-Yankees, Phil Coke is probably my favorite Yankee name of all time. His name was a shitton of fun to make fake NYPost headlines with, like “Girardi Uses Coke in 8th,” “Coke Overdose Leads to Bloody 7th,” or “Yankees Trade Coke for Cash, Player To Be Named Later.” You are missed, sir. Somehow Freddy Garcia and Lance Pendleton just don’t fill the comedic void.

Sometimes art imitates names.

Heinie Manush – Digging deep into the annals of baseball history for this one (pause).  Heinie Manush was a Hall of Fame outfielder who played mostly with Detroit and Washington. His nickname, while common at the time, holds up well today for a laugh. An immature and hilarious laugh. 7-year-olds everywhere UNITE!

Fun Fact: his name also rhymes with "tush"

Madison Bumgarner – I mean, it’s pretty obvious. Plus he has a girl’s name.

Bumgarner, (n) def: One who garners bums

Grady Sizemore – Proud name for a guy. Good thing, seeing that Little Grady was plastered all over the internet after a crazy chick hacked his girlfriend’s email and posted nude pics of him online.

Two funny-in-hindsight things of note: The quote under the title, and the shameful Clemens news at the top

Who do you think has the best name? Vote below.

I’d like to thank The Gelb, McBeezy, The Great Mikesby and Piff for collaborating on this.

EDIT:

Ralph Pierre “Pete” LaCock – A 1st baseman mainly with the Cubs and Royals, known for hitting a grand slam on the last pitch ever thrown by Bob Gibson. Also know for having an aristocratic twist to his name. Thanks to reader Steve for the heads up.

For an elegant evening, try the '76 LaCock

Also, to answer 48colorrainbow‘s question: Coco Crisp has gone by “Coco” since AA ball professionally. It was a nickname from his siblings that stuck with him.

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