SomePeopleThink This is The Birth Of A Salesman

SomePeopleThink I was fired. Somepeoplethink I quit. Somepeoplethink I was abducted and raped by a traveling Lil’ Wayne Cover Band. My lawyers say I can’t officially make any statements at this time.  But I would like to apologize to my thousands, millions of dedicated followerswho have been anxiously awaiting my return. I have been a wandering nomad for the past two months, living scarcely better than a homeless man. But I am back, and now in the safe and gracious hospitality of RMcbeezy….

The reason for my absence is because of my move across country and the beginning of a new job. The job is a sales position with a startup company called SinglePlatform. I am responsible for the entire sales cycle, and have spent this entire weak trudging through the extreme heat essentially going restaurant to restaurant to pitch my amazing product. In a mere 5 days, I feel like I have learned a great deal of sales pointers that I think would benefit any sales person, and I can 100% assure you that these are tips you won’t find in any other of the 1,000 sales guru’s books…

1)   Glasses – Dark rimmed glasses. They simultaneously make me look nerdy, trustworthy and smart. I could be selling rat poison disguised as breath mints and I would still clean up. I would get only two questions – “Did you invent this?” (because I look so smart) and ‘Oh great, now I will take your whole lot. Will the death of my customers be slow and painful or dashingly quick? It’s not a deal breaker, but I am just curious…” (because I look so trustworthy). Fuck suits. Buy glasses.

2)   Play Dead – Or dying for that matter. Honestly, walking in cool and collected never got me anywhere. Walking in like I was seconds away from passing out from severe heatstroke assures me a cool glass on water, and some genuine facetime with the front house staff, if not a manager whose overly concerned about his insurance rate after patron dies on his property. Them boom, hit them with the pity pitch.

3)   Trendy – Say the wordy trendy as much as possible, and allude to trendy things. It’s flawless. Most everyone has a different definition of it, but every single person wants to be a trendsetter in one way or another. It goes something like this, “Hi my name is Trent (plant the seed), and I work for the modish (highbrow word) W hotels as their consultant (trendy job) to locate the top 20 (exclusive) trendiest spots in the trendy XYZ area …. Done. Sold. Game over. I now am one of the popular kids in highschool and I won’t make eye contact with you when we pass in the halls (don’t actually do that because its just rude) but they are hooked.

4)   iPad – iPads are to adults what sets of keys are to babies. People touch it on instinct, and once contact is made, they enter a methodical daze of brainless interaction. I just face the iPad in front of them as soon as possible. Before they can even yell at me to get the hell out of my restaurant because assume I am some Groupon groupie, hassling them for a deal I just plant a shiny screen in front of their face. It buys me a solid 10 minutes every time. Which is enough time to roofie them with my dazzling pitch. They have bought my ish before they even realize it, except they next day they don’t wake up feeling awful. Wow, I’m creepy.

That’s all I was able to garner in my first few days. Also, that being drenched in pure sweat isn’t as much of a turn off as you’d think, but don’t bank on that one. I will keep them coming in the future as i get more experienced, but this is a solid start. SomePeopleThink  I’ll have a book coming soon, via iPad only obviously.

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SomePeopleThink I’m The World’s Worst Blogger

Don't worry Max, I'm sure Piff will blog again soon

Yep, that about says it. I’m like a neglectful father, I start realizing I haven’t been around in a while and that causes me to stay away even more. It’s awful, I know. I’m an absentee blogger, and I’m sorry for that. And I don’t promise I’ll get any better either. I’ll just end up breaking your heart again like Max in Liar Liar. So enjoy me while I’m here, faithful SPT readers.

At any rate I realized recently that somehow I went from listening to almost exclusively hip hop, to mostly electronic music. I don’t know how it started, but having Sirius radio in my new car definitely perpetuated it (especially BPM, get on BPM if you have Sirius). Its bad news for my downstairs neighbors, but good news for anyone who wants some more techno. Below are my most recent and most played songs of the last few weeks. As always I’ve mixed a few old in there as well to keep the balance. Hope you enjoy:

 

Pressure (Alesso Remix) – Nadia Ali, Starkillers & Alex Kenji

Feel It – Ferry Corsten

Call My Name (Spencer Hill Remix) – Sultan Ned & Shepard feat. Nadia Ali

Feel So Close – Calvin Harris

Penguin + ID – Avicci

Forever Is Over (Vibekidz Remix) – Basslovers United 

Starry Eyed (Russ Chimes Radio Edit) – Ellie Goulding

Happy Summer

-Piff

SomePeopleThink This Is Why Americans Are Fat

I came across Epic Meal Time a few months ago, when it came up on a friend’s Facebook newsfeed. My friend quickly shared it with me, knowing that any video on Youtube with a couple million views – good or bad – will always catch my attention (as my internet wet dream is to have a viral video of my very own).

I proceeded to watch every video that Epic Meal Time had posted. Ranging from 2-5 minutes, the videos feature a group of six inebriated, 20-something Canadian guys, cooking the most outrageously gluttonous food you’ve ever seen and never could imagine.

A 100,000 calorie burger, nicknamed the “Ben Rothlisburger”. Their take on the turducken, but with 5 birds and a pig. Four loko chili. Bacon-covered, Jack Daniels-drowned everything. Epic Meal Time intelligently parodies the locavor movement, on their organically sustainable high-horses, with meat, meat and more meat.

Now beware, I’ve shared these videos with friends and co-workers, and there’s been some mixed reactions. Granted, it is pretty filthy watching a wasted guy (nicknamed “Muscles Glasses”, a wonderfully ironic moniker) eat chili with a paddle. But the inventive ideas and surprising knowledge of cooking is certainly worth it.

My advice? Start from the earliest videos and watch through to today. There’s an interesting progression in the scale of the recipes and the desire to monetize.

Because isn’t that the question, ultimately? How to transform a viral video sensation into a lucrative business venture (or at least make a couple bucks from the 5 million viewers freely watching your content). In a recent video, several seconds were dedicated to shilling for Gamefly, offering a promotion for viewers who visited gamefly.com/bacon. I’ve also read some articles suggesting the possibility of an Epic Meal Time television show, though I’m not sure about squeezing another 25-27 minutes out of this concept each week.

For now, though, I’m content to follow the Epic Meal Time gang, as they eat lamb heads and get wasted.

epicmealtime.com

youtube.com/epicmealtime

twitter.com/epicmealtime

SomePeopleThink Millenials Are Self-Entitled, Demanding, Delusional and Without Work-Ethic…

SomePeople Think We Started a Revolution….

SomePeopleThink Tiny Wings Is Your Next Mild Addiction

SomePeopleThink gaming is for nerds. It is. So I feel slightly out of my element posting about a video game. The truth of the matter is that this article is less about gaming, and more about finding good healthy ways to be unproductive. Like you’ve never ventured to the bathroom stall at 2:30 even though you stomach felt just fine? Please. We all have ways of putting off things we don’t want to do. So when your can’t possibly enter one more formula into excel and you’ve read all 1,322 tweets in your stream and weather-related facebook status’ lack interest and none of your 15 Words With Friends opponents will play you back THEN what do you do? Well this longwinded introduction is to tell you the answer is to play Tiny Wings.

Its $0.99 (So if your one of those snobs who scoff at paying for apps or at iPhones games in general then go fuck yourself read no further…) But its amazing. I draw some initial comparison to Angry Birds. It super simple, cartoony, can be played in very short intervals of time, and mostly you also play as a spherical bird. That’s where the actual gameplay comparisons end (its developed by a completely different company). I tried to write to describe how the gameplay works, and upon realizing how terrible I am at describing gaming mechanics I just asked god. Wikipedia describes it like so:

“In Tiny Wings, the player takes control of a bird whose wings are too small to fly. The goal of the game is to use hills in order to gain speed and flutter as long as possible. This is done by tapping and holding the screen in order to make the bird dive. The gameplay mainly revolves around timing your taps so that the bird slides down hills and flies up them. The game’s one level is separated into several islands, which have predetermined layouts. The game features special missions that allow players to upgrade their nest, which adds a score multiplier. These challenges revolve around reaching specific islands or performing certain tricks a number of times in one game. The game’s visuals change.”

If that’s confusing then I am sorry. Like in math, the more simple something is, the harder it is to explain

Imagine trying to explain to someone Angry Birds, “Your like this bird army, and you have to destroy a pig army by like, ugh, catapulting yourself into a tower of pigs… and you aim but you only have like a few birds to use… and ugh…. You wanna make things fall over and…” So I will stop – but aren’t you happy with that purchase? (I put the official video trailer below since I know you probably didn’t read the caption above) But trust me, its  simplicity is no true measure of how fun this game can be, especially when accelerating the clock seems impossible. (If my future employer ever reads this it will be really hard to justify my appitude for slacking off….) SomePeopleThink this works well for long car rides as well.  Enjoy.

 

SomePeopleThink Creepiness is in Eye of the Beholder

There’s no real easy way to say this so I’m just going to give it to ya straight up (pause)… the pictures below are creepy as shit. They come to us from www.manbabies.com, a website I was recently informed about from my broseph coworker. And yes, that is no typo, it’s a website titled Man Babies. I don’t know how old or how popular this site is but I had to share. I just had to did it on em.

So without further adieu (I’m surprised too that I knew how to spell that), I give you Man Babies!

I repeat, Man Babies!

Eat Sand

High Score!!!

Awesome Throw

YUMM PEAS!

TO INFINITY! AND BEYOND!

Fast Asleep

^Aint this one adorable guys? Awwwwwwwww

The Grooms ManBaby

SomePeopleThink Album of the Week- “Hell: The Sequel” by Bad Meets Evil

SomePeopleThink there are two types of people left in the world: ghetto thugs (RMcBreezy) or hipster motherf#ckers (TheGreatMikesby). Well, I like to blend the styles of both. The past few albums of the week has paid homage to Mikesby’s clan but now it’s time to get gangsta.

Bad Meets Evil is a rap duo consisting of Eminem and Royce da 5’9″. Their one previous studio released was a song of the same title featured on Em’s debut album, The Slim Shday LP. They are your typical rap friends: grew up in Detroit together, got into a beef when one became a bigger star, rekindled their relationship when a close friend (Proof) was murdered and now making music together again. This will be Royce’s biggest payday ever for sure as Em is a walking ATM. As always keep an ear out for Eminem’s metaphors and wordplay but dont overlook the cagey veteran Royce. Let’s do it:

  1. Welcome to Hell- Intense Em with a Dick Dastardley reference in there. Royce appears in the middle but he is overpowered.
  2. Fast Lane- The lead single has a banging beat and Royce comes out firing on the first verse. A chorus is much appreciated after track one. Good summer mixtape song
  3. The Reunion- Familiar Eminem playful disrespect women track (if that’s possible) with Em singing on the hook.  This is the kind of track we always try to forget when mentioning Em as one of the best of all time.
  4. Above the Law- Cool hook and beat. I love when Eminem comes out strong with energy on a track. Royce with his best verse on the album so far and maybe the best period.
  5. I’m on Everything- Some creative lines about being on different drugs but the last 2 albums are about recovering from drugs so this track is hard to understand. I’d just skip it.
  6. A Kiss- The song everyone is writing about because of the Lady Gaga call out is actually one of the best on the EP. A catchy beat with both MCs delivering strong lyrics.
  7. Lighters- Bruno Mars on an Eminem song? Never imagined myself saying that. I hoped Tyler the Creator finished Bruno off. Uplifting effort from Eminem, a feeling of accomplishment. Funny moment of this song: Royce has a line about LeBron’s jersey hanging from the rafters 20 years from now. HA
  8. Take From Me- Royce takes Eminem’s intense voice and applies it over a strong beat. Eminem follows up with the same and similarly strong results. The negatives of fame are addressed in an emotional outburst.
  9. Loud Noises- I was on the Slaughterhouse tip when they joined forces. I was off of it when they dropped an album. I think they can definitely succeed on Shady Records. I still say Joell Ortiz is a problem
Overall, a decent LP. It won’t blow you away and you probably won’t keep it on replay on the iPod but there are a few tracks that you will come back from time to time when you’re in the mood. Just one of those things, when you’re chilling with your buddy and you feel like doing something. Necessary? No but you’re not gonna pass up new Eminem music.
SomePeopleThink Hell: The Sequel deserves a 6/10
SomePeopleThink you should also peep these new releases this week:
  • Cyhi Da Prince- Royal Flush 2 (mixtape)
  • The Wonder Years- Suburbia I’ve Given You All and Now I’m Nothing
  • Ziggy Marley- Wild and Free

SomePeopleThink Lindsay Lohan is a Hollywood Train Wreck

And while I agree, I do think there’s a bit more to the story that’s worth looking at.

Imagine you’re 16 years old again. You have your own apartment in Los Angeles, a sweet Mercedes SLK convertible and a few million dollars in the bank. You have a 24 year old boyfriend. Your mom, whose income relies directly on your own, lives 2,500 miles away. Your dad is in jail. Your face is a rotating fixture on US Weekly, Perez Hilton and TMZ.

Now, I can only imagine that this being Los Angeles (and Shmekie – please correct me if I’m wrong), you also have every grimy, sleazy club promoter dude, with his top two shirt buttons open, trying to lure you into the VIP section, bribing you with Grey Goose, Red Bull and all the free trips to the bathroom you care to consume.

What would you do?

This is what happens when you date Wilmer Valderrama.

Lindsay Lohan did this: Two DUIs, Possession of a controlled substance, driving with a suspended license, grand theft, reckless driving, three stints in jail, four to rehab, and countless accusations of theft, drug abuse and assault.

I hate to say it, but if I had been in Lindsay’s position, I’d probably be in at least half the trouble she’s in right now. I can’t imagine that most 16 year olds could be thrown into that position and come out half decent. But why is it that Lindsay Lohan – who, when you take a look at child actors over the years, is really no exception – takes so much of the flak?

Like Lindsay, Shia LaBeouf began his career at 10 years old on the Disney Channel. At 18 years old, he bought his own home in Los Angeles. He and Lindsay are now both 24.

In 2007, the same year Lindsay’s legal problems began, Shia refused to leave a Chicago Walgreens. I can kind of understand refusing to leave, say, a Crate & Barrel – the sofas are really comfy – but a Walgreens? What could possibly be all that interesting in there? Anyhoo, arrest #1 for misdemeanor criminal trespassing.

In 2008, Shia received a ticket for unlawful smoking (again, another idiotic reason to ever be involved with law enforcement). He then failed to appear in court for the ticket and a bench warrant was issued for his arrest.

Smoking outside is illegal now? So. Lame.

Later in 2008, Shia’s car was hit by a vehicle that ran a red light. It was 3am and when the police smelled alcohol on Shia’s breath, and the kid refused a breathalyzer, they arrested him for misdemeanor drunk driving. His driver’s license was suspended for a year.

And finally, in 2011, Shia got into a fight outside a bar in Sherman Oaks. While he was handcuffed by LAPD, no arrest was made.

Now let’s go look at TMZ.com. Searching “Lindsay Lohan” on the celebrity gossip site yields 1,430 articles, 657 photos and 669 videos. Searching “Shia LaBeouf” returns 23 articles, 16 photos and 15 videos.

This could all be because Shia’s last name is nearly impossible to spell, but there’s probably something more to it. Is it gender? Are we more interested in the “bad girl”, while we expect this type of behavior from the “bad boy”? Is it the drugs? The constant cocaine rumors surrounding Lindsay, while Shia’s legal troubles stem from alcohol and cigarettes? Also, let’s keep in mind that Lindsay was f’ing hilarious in Mean Girls, and Wall Street 2: Money Never Dies was the worst movie ever made.

This movie is the opposite of #WINNING.

I don’t really have an answer to any of this. My gut tells me it’s the gender thing, but I hate to get all feminist up in hurr.

-nif.

 

shmek EDIT:

As far as the sleazeball dragging you into the VIP section, personally I’ve never been pulled into a booth with promises of Patron, pills and pre-teen pregnancy. But then again I am no Lindsay Lohan. However it’s definitely safe to say there’s enough d-bags trying to rape things in L.A. to back up your assumptions; it has its vices and distractions maybe almost as many as Las Vegas.

Also I think the reason Lindsay is so highly disliked is because she’s a better actor than Shia. Mean Girls was hilarious and even in The Parent Trap, we all collectively sensed this little redhead had something in her (pedophilic pause). Shia just craps out movies like Holes, Eagle Eye, or Transformers nonsense. Don’t even bring up the 4th Indiana Jones. So when she crapped the bed, it sucked more than if Shia did anything, ever. Good or bad. It’s like when Heath Ledger died, we were all heartbroken. But if Steve-O died tomorrow, we’d all be sad and then move on. Your level of artistry is reflected in America’s attention span for you.

SomePeopleThink Our. Work. Is Never. Over.

I just found this sick app called iDaft. If you like Daft Punk, and I suspect you do cause you’re online reading a blog and not watching Glenn Beck on TV, you’ll like it.

It’s basically an app where you get to custom-DJ the group’s songs. It’s an iPhone/iPad app (FREE!!) as well, but below are the links to the site. You can record them and share on YouTube, I believe, if you’re so inclined.

So far I’ve only found two songs that you’re able to use/play with, but the site states they’re going to be adding more soon.

Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger

Technologic

TRON on.

Can you feel it?

SomePeopleThink Album of the Week- Suck it and See by the Arctic Monkeys

SomePeopleThink the title of this album is offensive and references oral sex. A few American retailers are posting a sticker over the name of the album to censor it in the stores. SomePeopleThink one day we are killing Bin Laden and the next day we can’t talk about head. Just so we are clear this is some British phrase that has no sexual meaning at all. Free America

Off of that political tangent, the Arctic Monkeys were all of the rage in Britain when their debut album, Whatever People Say I am, That’s What I’m Not, came out in 2006. It was the fastest selling debut record in UK history. In the past 5 years the Monkeys released 2 more albums that couldn’t match the hype. Not bad albums, just not up to the high standards they set for themselves. Let’s take a look at album four, which was released today in the US, and see if they can get back on track (by track).

  1. She’s Thunderstorms- Classic rock feel to this song. She’s Thunderstorms must be how they talk in Britain because it makes no sense. Guitar solo with banging drums at the bridge makes all the sense in the world though.
  2. Black Treacle- Another title that I don’t understand but this song hits the spot. More upbeat, more poppy, this is what makes the Arctic Monkeys as big as they are overseas. This is fun
  3. Brick by Brick- “I want to Rock N Roll, Brick by Brick.” This is a pure rock out song. Simple and loud. They say the word brick a lot.
  4. The Hellcat Spangled Shalalala- Mix of great lines with a great beat. Usually a recipe for a good song
  5. Don’t Sit Down ‘Cause I’ve Moved Your Chair- Another song that rocks hard. Funny lyrics over a ballin bass line.
  6. Library Pictures- If you want to rock out, this is the song for you. This song comes right at you. Crazy guitars into a down period. A mix of emotions in just over 2 minutes. Competing for best track
  7. All My Own Stunts- Opens with an infectious beat. I am whipping my hair to the rhythm. The last 3 songs should always be played in a row
  8. Reckless Serenade- This is the song where you sit back and have a beer after rocking hard and sweating from the previous tracks. (BEER!) The lyrics are perfect. Catchy hooks and fun to sing with
  9. Piledriver Waltz- Another chill song. I like the chorus and the lyrics but the instrumental bores me. It’s a song I would put on before bed
  10. Love is a Laserquest- Kind of a physchedelic ballad. A nice song. Showing the diversity of this band. How on point are the lyrics on this album?
  11. Suck it and See- Not about what you think. Really good track. “I pour my aching heart into a pop song.”
  12. That’s Where You’re Wrong- The last half of this album has really been terrific. We have gone from the hard rocking into this mellow beautiful sound.

This album is terrific. The best we have experienced in the Album of the Week era (3 weeks). This album touches on every emotion in all different styles. The band has grown up and put all the pieces together from bright spots on the previous three albums. If you don’t listen to this album, then suck it (and see).

SomePeopleThink The Arctic Monkeys are scoring an 8.5/10.

SPT STAMP OF APPROVAL

Overdid it with parentheses jokes this week. Stay tuned for our first hip hop review next week. Eminem

SomePeopleThink you should also check out these new releases this week:

  • Black Lips- Arabia Mountain
  • Big K.R.I.T.- R4 the Prequel EP
  • Cults- Cults
  • Fucked Up- David Comes to Life
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